The Writer's Block.

"A little white lie can't hurt anybody."

But what if it could?

What if it came at a fee?

What if everything you said had its own consequences?

And it manifested itself into a being; pretense.

The amount of things I've witnessed would leave you in awe.

Enough to fabricate an entire landscape if I'd draw.

I've never spoken out about anything I've seen

Anything I've done, any plan I've schemed.

I've never talked about my problems or ever seen a shrink

I could act before anyone could blink.

Incognizant, oblivious, ignorant, unaware.

A modern day holocaust; all I can do is stare.

Observing as chaos engulfs the world

The males, blind to anything not a girl

The females, blind to anything not a man

While my mind's ready to explode on command.

A guy walks by, a girl thinks, "He's cute."

I see a cheating man and the girl he's en route.

A girl walks by, a guy says, "She's hot."

I see someone who's been beaten, as if a human, she's not.

The knowledge I withhold would bring life to a halt

Yet I continue to be mute, as I lock up the vault.

I feel like I'm meant to vent a different way.

Someway to proclaim my secret cachet.

As I write I realize my words come alive

Images, projections at the drop of a dime.

I close my eyes and a world erupts

An explosion of dreams as lightning struck.

I open my eyes and look at my key,

I unlock the door and prepare another story.

Shell Of A Broken Man.

What happens when everything you know is a lie?

What happens when everything you do goes awry?

What happens when your pleas for help are ignored?

What happens when your work reaps no reward?

What happens when you strive and achieve nothing in return?

What happens when you never attain the life that you yearn?

What happens when God stops answering your prayers?

And you have no shoulder when your eyes are full of tears?

What happens when your so-called friends are all resentful?

What happens when you know they'll come back if you're successful?

What happens when one man's tired of abuse?

What happens when his heart is tired of misuse?

What happens when his pain never goes away?

What happens when there's no silver in the gray?

He changes into someone of whom you'd never think.

Someone so different, so quickly, in one blink.

Cold, unnerving, his emotions are empty.

Eyes made of stone; no heart, no key.

The guy you knew before, is dead.

The skin of who he once was, is shed.

He leaves behind that who he's no longer

Traveling alone; weak, but stronger.

Wherever he goes, no one can follow.

Once the shell of a broken man, now hollow.

Note To Self.

My name is Stacy and I’m an only child.

My mom passed away so I’ve never cracked a smile.

My dad’s an alcoholic and likes to abuse.

I always try to help, but he always manages to lose

His temper, he shouts and yells

So I stay in my room, or should I say my cell.

It’s never been the same since my mom passed away

It always looks bleak but I try to find a way

To cover up the pain and the scars that I’ve felt

From the cuts of the knives to the bruises of the belt.

From the nights of hiding in the attic

Hoping my dad doesn’t find me when he’s acting erratic.

He blames me for my mom’s suicide

He can’t cope with the fact that she died.

He drinks to numb all the pain

Praying that the alcohol will rid him of the stain.

Other nights he takes his anger out on me

Beating till he’s tired or just until I bleed.

When he’s done, I cry myself to sleep

Laying on the floor in a helpless heap.

Nobody can hear my crying or my pleas.

I try to pray to God for help, I say "Please!

God, help me, I’ve taken all the pain,

I’ve taken all the hate, I’ve taken all the blame.

I’ve taken more beatings than anyone I’ve known.

I’ve endured so many broken bones.

I want it to stop, I want my dad to see

That my mom’s death shouldn’t be weighed on me."

I’ve tried to get help, but it’s always the same

I get tortured by the clinically insane.

I’m not talking about my dad, I mean my mind,

It takes its toll and it can’t be confined.

I pick up the knife trying to end it all,

The only thing that stops me is the picture on the wall

My mom’s smile makes me drop it to the floor.

She wouldn’t want this, she would've wanted more.

She didn’t want me to be like her

A drug-addicted teen with a kid at sixteen.

Fighting demons for twenty-plus years,

Taking her life because she couldn’t face her fears.

Somebody please take the time to see what I’ve written.

There are people like us who suffer daily within.

But nobody will come, they’ll turn their cheek instead

Because by the time anyone finds this, I’ll already be dead.

The Haunting.

I once met a little kid who told me life is what you make it,

To always be yourself and never try and fake it.

Your choices reflect your future and the resulting action

Will either lead you to a better place or bring you pain from day one.

I shrugged it off as I don’t believe in destiny

No one controls my life; I decide what’s best for me.

Little did I know the words the child spoke

Would haunt me forever with the life that I’d tote.

Asshole, jock, were some of the words I was called

Two hundred pounds, six feet tall.

Your ordinary athlete, varsity team.

I had a lot of nicknames, but you can call me Steve.

Popularity, friends, sounds like the life right?

There was only one problem: I had numerous sleepless nights.

When I didn’t, I had night terrors about the child

Who had haunted me with his words for such a long time.

But one in particular, I saw him in a cell

He said, “Change your ways or you’ll end up in hell.”

I said, “Fuck off kid! You don’t know anything about me!”

He replied, “I know you better than you think, young Steve.”

He disappeared, I awoke, heart racing, breathing heavy.

I looked at my clock; it read a quarter past three.

All I could do now was stare at the wall

Thinking about the day I’d end it all.

If you’re wondering, I didn’t graduate I screwed around too much.

Partying, drinking, smoking and such.

I had to do something, it was my only escape

From my night terrors, trying to deny my fate.

As I’d watch my friends leave, I then realized

I had nothing, I’d exceeded the amount of tries.

The stress was building up, I couldn't bear it anymore,

I was about to end something I could no longer ignore.

I got up, paced, I'd had enough

It was time to put this behind me, to be free of these handcuffs.

I got dressed and headed for the door,

Passing my parents room, they didn't know the pain I endured.

I stopped for a moment with tears running down my face.

I wish I was a better son and not a disgrace.

I kissed them both on forehead and locked the door behind me

Quietly saying, "I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be."

I turned over the engine and drove to the nearest cliff

My body was already becoming cold and stiff

I walked to edge, looked up and said, "I’m done,

You can have my life back, that’s it, you’ve won."

I looked down at the be all, end all,

Leaning forward as I began my fall.

As I descended, a shadowy figure came into view,

It was the silhouette of the child I’d hadn’t a clue.

As I fell, his face became more and more clear

Until I could recognize him from ear to ear.

I wasn’t surprised; this is how it was meant to be.

All along, the child in my dreams was me.

I smiled, closed my eyes and prepared to join the dead.

If only I had listened to what he had said.

Holidaze.

Christmas is supposed to be the time for family.

The time for giving, for friends and being stress-free.

A time to put your feelings on display,

So why to me it feels like any normal day?

From Thanksgiving onward, there’s an eerie joy

An unnatural euphoria that seeks to annoy.

Why choose one day out of the year to give thanks?

Take a walk down your memory banks

And remember a time when somebody needed you,

Did you try and help them even though you didn’t want to?

Ask them what they have to be thankful for

You slept in a warm bed while they lay on the cold floor.

I’m not saying I’ve done different, but at least I don’t mask it

People try to be somebody else and emit

A certain sense that they’ve felt the same pain and grieved

So they’ve concealed the snake by Christmas Eve.

For 364 days you were selfish

And now, all of a sudden, you want to grant someone’s wish?

You want to pretend to be someone who gives a shit

 Keep your “Christmas spirit”, I’d rather slit my wrists.

No, I’m not suicidal or mentally sick,

I just prefer to avoid ignorant bullshit.

Around New Year's, people make a resolution.

But break it before it's even begun.

These things are pointless to me

Trying to be what you weren’t meant to be.

Why wait until now to try and change your life?

It won't erase the past no matter how much you rewrite.

Don’t wait until the holidays to right your wrongs,

Be who you are all year long.

The Perfect Nightmare.

What is this thing called life that we wake to everyday?

Where the sun shines bright and children frolic and play.

Where merriment is certain and there is perpetual joy.

Everyone's smiling and happiness, you can't avoid.

No violence, no crime, no anger nor sadness. 

There's no such thing as chaos, we're in eternal bliss.

What more can I say about this perfect world?

Perfect job, perfect house and the perfect girl.

I can't ask for much more in my life

Except maybe for that perfect girl to become my wife.

No complaints, I'm at peace like an immaculate dove

I have more things than anyone could ever dream of.

Every night, as I lay my head, I'm happy and healthy

Because I know the spirit of God is always with me.

I could ask for nothing more but to continue my road

Of my perfect life sitting comfortably in my humble abode.

What is this thing called life that haunts my dreams?

Every day I'd wake to crying and screams.

Gunshots, murders, riots, rape,

Liars, haters, criminals, fakes.

Everyday there's violence, everyday there's a war

Everyday there's one more body on the floor.

Everyday there's crime, everyday there's gore

Everyday there's people trying to escape by the horde.

But there's no escape from the devil

He follows you where you go,

Until you pay back the debt that you owe.

Life can be a bitch, or it can grant you what you want

It'll either bless you, or taunt and taunt.

Don't complain about your life, be content and make do

Because there's always someone who has it harder than you.

Bask in your glory, but always beware

That your perfect dream can turn into a nightmare.

I Used To.

I used to be a kid, I used to have dreams

But now I have nightmares and all I hear are screams

From the inside; my soul, crying out for help

Longing for the joyous things it once felt.

I used to see the sun, I used to feel it's heat

But now I feel the cold raindrops of defeat.

Washing away my euphoric memories

And unveiling a grave for which to bury me.

I used to have a heart before I traded it for a diamond.

I'm not the best person to talk to or confide in

But it does protect me from the hate the world throws.

I refuse to succumb, I refuse to wear its clothes

I refuse to be another face in the crowd

I refuse to be timid and let myself be cowed.

I used to give a fuck, now I give a fuck less

About the things that use to hamper my road to success.

I no longer dwell on those things, it's pointless to. 

I can't worry about the past and what I've been put through.

I'm focused on the future and what tomorrow's promised,

Finding my way out of this bleak abyss.

The world and it's people are coaxing me to quit

But my dreams are far too bright to be eclipsed.

I won't falter, success is my Siamese twin.

Nice guys finish last; I want to win.

The Path Less Traveled.

I take risks no one would dare to take.

I make decisions no one would dare make.

I'll walk the path no one would dare walk

To the forbidden place no one would dare talk.

As I walk, the air feels cold and heavy 

Suffocating almost, as if demanding a levy.

Still I continue, curious, a dying feline.

No matter what hinders me, victory will be mine.

I look to one side, I see a healthy baby being born

And the other, I see two people aiding a victim of scorn.

For one, she is relieved and the pain ceases,

While the other's life falls apart as she tries to pick up the pieces.

Further along, I see a factory with billowing smoke

Filled with servants working to attain their "coke."

Incessantly striving, blinded by addiction

Mulishly ignoring the impending affliction.

I come to a fork in the road with a pole dividing the two.

In my mind, I know this is where most problems are brewed.

There are two signs: "Innocence, left"; It's radiant and clear.

"Guilt, right"; Dark, gloomy and bare.

But still one path remains, the one in between.

The path called "Twilight", what could this mean?

As I walk, a bright light shines in my face.

It felt familiar, warm, like a mother's embrace.

As I entered, I pondered what lay parallel

Perhaps the answer to this confounding hell.

Emotions.

Happiness is that in which I’ve not felt in a while

Or have I ever?

Forgive me for not remembering, it’s been such a long time.

Anger, I no longer feel; it takes a backseat to Pride,

While Humility and Shame have keeled over and died.

Depression likes to visit me often

And is the main reason why my soul hasn't been softened.

I only Envy money and Jealousy is jealous of me

Because I’m Content with my life and Irritation-free.

I can’t fear Fear because Fear isn’t even fair.

Why should I be afraid of something that isn’t even there?

Why should I be Nervous and Horrified at the sight

Of something that doesn’t have the Courage to fight?

I’ve been through enough Torment and Suffering;

Been Neglected and Saddened.

Disappointment’s at the top because I always expect it to happen.

I rarely get Surprised and Excitement’s just the same.

I feel the world around me is dying, God’s already taken aim.

Last and least, it’s the one they call Love.

The most difficult to understand and get a hold of.

People will lie for it, people will die for it.

People would buy Love if the price was legit.

I’ve seen people have mental breakdowns and suicide attempts

From this one little thing that cause people to lose all sense

 I’d have to experience it to know

How one person can make the other’s heart grow so.

In one hand I hold the future, in another the past.

I can keep moving forward or live life unsurpassed.

So I pop the blue pill and wake up to reality

While everybody’s dreaming;

Where wishes come true and ignorance is glee.

Heart of a soldier and immune to mood rings, 

Incarcerated, while someone else is pulling my strings.

I can’t have emotions; I’m not worthy, not yet.

When I am, I’ll be complete and finally be out of debt.

Until then, I’ll watch the world dream on

Until the day my darkest night becomes dawn.

I Pray.

Another sleepless night,

More than a disease, insomnia's my way of life.

The thing that fuels me to write,

So I grab my pen once again and pledge my plight. 

Since I'm up, let me talk to you Lord,

Got some things to address before I head to the morgue.

Please help me to be less anti

A guy who cares, who's sincere in his eyes.

A guy full of life, not one who died,

Grant me this wish before I plummet into the sky.

Lord, I'm just an average Joe, I need a way out,

Push some buttons for your son, I need an escape route.

I pray Lord, when I become too attached,

The only thing I'm left with is one more scratch,

One more scar, as I stand there and resist the fight,

If I keep this up and I'll have the Passion of the Christ.

I pray Lord, don't leave, you're all I have now

Besides me and these thoughts that I jot down.

Please rid me of these demons in my head,

The voices won't even let me lay in bed.

Take me away Lord, I can't take it, not anymore

If I'm living to die, what am I fighting for?

No more crossroads, now there's only one aisle,

There always was, me alone on an isle.

If worst comes to worst, I might just...I'll

Call up an old friend, I have the Grim Reaper on speed dial.

Zenkai.

A lot of the things that've happened in my life was my fault

But this isn’t one of those sad times, I'm putting depression on halt

To address some of the things that I've seen, things that I've done,

Things that I've lost, things that I've won 

Things that have made me the happiest man alive

And things that made me wish I'd taken that nose dive.

I was one of those kids that you'd make fun of daily

Because you couldn't handle your own life, so you took it out on me.

So day after day you'd point and jeer

 Not knowing I was building up an immunity to fear.

You tried until your insults had no effect

Because I had constructed the perfect object

To detect, protect, reflect and reject

All hate and angst against you--I called it "Respect."

All of the things that have brought me down,

That tried to suffocate me and make me drown,

Just know that after each time, still I stood.

You hadn't completed the job like you thought you would.

Everything that has happened only made me stronger

Every ounce of mockery extends my life that much longer.

And to everybody who hated me then that love me now

Don't act like you tried to help when I was down.

Don't try to comfort me and say, "I was there."

Because you weren't, you weren't even near.

No one can take credit for what I've attained.

I only had me when I was mentally drained.

All the bullshit in my life has made me me

As long as there's hate, I'll always be.

Life Behind A Mirror.

I walk the road of a lonely soldier,

Watching the world pass me by ten times over.

Observing the thousands of people living without a care,

Unbeknownst to the incredible burden I bare.

On this side of the two-way prison

Where you can hear clearly the drop of a pin,

Lives a guy you never knew, who you’ll probably never meet

Because he lives behind a mirror where he’ll never be free.

There’re no friends, no family, no life at all

Some days I just feel like driving my head into this wall.

Escape? No, it's futile, I've already tried that;

It’s to end my days of being a lab rat.

I’d rather die than spend one more minute confined

In this asylum where my only enemy is time.

Have you any idea how many crimes I’ve seen?

How many robberies have occurred?

How many rapes there’ve been?

How many people have died right next to me?

While I can do nothing, just sit there and be.

One day I decided enough was enough,

I didn’t care anymore, I didn’t give a fuck

About living if it meant being blind and deaf

To the world, I was living a fate worse than death.

As I prepared myself to end this fray, I heard a girl say “Hey,

What’s that?” looking directly at me.

Could this be? Was I finally seen?

I got up and proceeded my hand forward,

As did she without saying a word.

She and I both placed our hands on the glass,

I felt like today in this box was my last.

Until she pulled her hand away and giggled and said,

“It’s just one of those mirrors, the ones that make you weird.”

As she walked away I felt my freedom had too

And she took with her the life I never knew.

You couldn’t imagine all the hope I’d had

To have it struck down in an instant when it was within your grab

 I now know my happiness was never meant to be.

I was meant to be trapped here and never to be free.

If Tomorrow Never Comes.

If today was your last, how would you spend it?

Would you reflect on your life and the choices you’ve regretted?

Would you tell your mother you love her for the very last time? 

Tell her you’re sorry for everything and put all angst aside?

Would you tell your dad he was a role model, that he was your hero?

That you always respected him even when it didn’t seem so?

Would you tell the one that got away

That you couldn’t live without them?

Even though you knew that the world was gonna end?

Would you lie to your child and say everything’s okay

When you knew the both of you were gonna die that day?

Maybe you’d adopt a child or give to the homeless,

Or adopt a home for a child who has less.

If you had a chance to wrong the person who wronged you,

Would you wrong them?

And give them the same pain you were put through?

Or do you feel that that is wrong even though it seems right

To wrong someone completely out of spite?

Would you rob a bank or steal the car of your dreams?

But would the glory really be as satisfying as it seems?

Would you go wild and crazy just because?

Or are you doing it because it’s what everyone else does?

Would you repent your sins and pray to God for penance?

And tell him that you want heaven to be your life sentence?

As far as I’m concerned, I wouldn’t change my ways

Because God judges your life, not what you do in a day. 

You could die in 5 days, 5 weeks or 5 months,

So live your life just a little for once.

Never have regrets or leave problems undone

Because you’ll never live it down if tomorrow never comes.

Perspective Of An Outcast.

As a child I was filled with hopes and dreams

Before I learned the world isn't always as it seems.

Every movie I'd seen, turned out with a happy ending.

My life is so broken, there's no amount of mending

That could bring back the innocent, young child that once was,

I never saw that child again because

I woke up and saw that the world is fucked,

Going to any lengths just to earn a quick buck.

They say live life to the fullest

Because you never know when you die,

So tell me why I try to live and it ends up awry?

I looked up and screamed, “Why God? Tell me the reason!

I've never defiled anyone or been accused of treason

Against you or anybody else that I've known,

Why give me friends if I always feel alone?”

Then I realized God couldn’t help me, he gave us free will 

To say what we want and do what we feel.

So I guess it’s my fault my life is such a mess,

The feeling of depression, the perpetual stress.

People are always saying, “Why are you so mean?”

You haven't been through what I've been through

Or seen what I’ve seen.

You'll never understand unless you walk in my shoes

And see my pain and my emotional bruise.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side,

But how long before that grass grows old and it dies?

This isn't for fun or fame, that isn't the reason I write,

I do it so I can finally SLEEP AT NIGHT.

In this world, there aren't sides, only survival of the fittest,

You only have your life and the bullshit that comes with it.

Take it from me because I've been through the worse,

Make your life either a gift…or a curse.